345 Monday Musings: I am guilty of Fears !

345 Monday Musings: I am guilty of Fears !

I received a whatsapp message on fears a few days ago. It was a remarkable ode to the subject that quite literally haunts us all the time and yet a subject we mostly keep at bay.
I wrote almost the full piece on the anatomy of fear as if it was a phenomena that I have witnesses from afar and about which I am now pontificating as an observer at best or an expert at worst. I realized by the time I finished writing about fears that way, was that I missed the point completely – that the idea of the talking about fear authentically, is to admit fear and what it does to you rather than explaining it away. So I deleted the whole piece and I am beginning afresh and this time let me begin by admitting – ‘I am afraid’. (I guess there is something that can still be salvaged from the tsunami of the whatsapp forwards, eh?)

I am afraid. I am afraid all the time. I am afraid of many things. I envy those who are not afraid. I wish I could be like them.
I am afraid of all kinds of things but of those, three come to my mind instantly. I am afraid of snakes, morbidity and penury.
A snake has to just look into my eyes and say hello and it should do the job – no need to waste venom on me. I would be dead with the hello.

I am afraid of morbidity, of illness and sickness and being bed ridden. The prospect of being bed ridden, and dependent on others, senile and not in control of my mind or limbs scares me.

I am afraid of penury. I see a terrible contradiction on the subject of money all around me. I hear the narrative of the futility of money in our lives, (often from those who do not have it) and yet I see in equal measure a mad rush to earn it, accumulate it and hoard it. I am not sure what is my philosophical position on money is – my opinion goes up and down, often with the rise and fall of NAVs and markets! Finally I must say, that I would much rather opine on the futility of money sitting on a pile of cash rather than a bowl in my hand.

I am afraid of insignificance. There are moments when I derive satisfaction from the little that I achieve but most of the time I know I am too small, too unknown, too powerless and too remote in the larger scheme of things. I want to be more.
I am afraid of getting exposed for what I am not. I know that many times my friends and foes overestimate me – in ways of mind, ability and intent, in strength and in goodness. I play along. I am afraid one day I will be exposed and the world will see that I was not what they thought I was.

I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of losing my good fortunes, and my friends. I am afraid I will lose love. I am afraid of losing parents. I am afraid I will lose credibility. The prospect of loss is a demon whose company I always keep.

I am afraid of fear itself. I hate the moments I fear for any of the above. It makes me feel numb and dazed. It makes my limbs go weak and the pulse to rise. I feel the heart heavy. I feel my feet heavy and leaden. The fear of fear itself is enough – it need not have a face, a name to it. Most of my fears are those have escaped neat descriptions of the kind in this piece.

I am afraid of not knowing enough. I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of being the dumb one in the company of experts. I am afraid of being a bore. I am afraid of being too shallow. I am afraid of not knowing what to say or do when the moment so appears.

I look around and see bold and courageous people. I wonder if they have as many fears as I have. May be they don’t. May be they do. I look at people who go about leading their lives without a crease on their forehead and a doubt in their steps. I envy them. I want to know – if they do not have fears or they are what they are, despite their fears.

If someone were to put me through some test to ascertain if I have been good enough despite all the fears that plague me, I have only this last one for them – I am afraid of being assessed and judged too !!