Monday Musings 282: Of canine bites and the rest!

Monday Musings 282: Of canine bites and the rest!

The funny just does not stop being funnier by the day. The recent issue of The Economist (no less!) reports ‘’...that the number of canine attacks on postal workers in America climbed from 5581 in 2013 to 6755 in 2016.... In response to such occupational hazards the post office has apparently launched an app on the postal workers hand held scanners that warns of dogs in certain houses... owners of repeat offenders are told to pick up posts a nearby post office....If a loose dog plagues a postman, delivery to an entire neighbourhood can be suspended”

I wonder what an Indian equivalent of this news story that inched its way up from weekly tabloids to the hallowed pages of such a reputed publication would look like!! I wonder what would be a funnier more Indian examples of occupational hazard appear to be. Let me try my hands at some story telling.

1. The Indian sales association reports that the number of cases of nose breaks on its sales persons because of doors being shut on them has shown an alarming rate of increase. As a safety measure it has recommended its members to observe the following – a) Wear a nose guard at all times while ringing the doorbell. b) Maintain a one feet distance from the doors c) always maintain a lean back posture to be double sure. They have been issued a handbook of red zones in every city where such cases of nose breaks have been reported in the past. A predictive index of what kinds of doors cause the maximum nose breaks is in the making – it is reported that wrought iron doors are the worst perpetrators. The association is firming up its mind to demand a ban on all wrought iron doors with the government. It is also rumoured that they might ask for tax breaks for the treatment cost on such broken noses as business expense.
    
2. The Indian doctors particularly the junior doctors and the ones with the government hospitals have been facing the threats of manhandling and physical assaults in the recent past. The governing body responsible for doctor’s education has recommended a mandatory paper on physical education in the MBBS course – with special emphasis on protection against mob violence and ability to run faster than aggrieved relatives. They have also been advised to wear helmets and other sundry elements body armour (either cricketing or paramilitary origins depending upon the history of the hospitals that they are currently serving) during ward rounds, operating theatres and particularly OPDs. An additional certificate in hurdle racing is being mulled to further strengthen the precautionary measures.
    
3. The judges of courts usually associated with equanimity and composure are on tenterhooks given the number of shoes that come their way. They have been advised to attend training course of building reflex actions – which will help them avoid leather bases flying objects often worn on the feet. Sometimes one is able to tolerate the shoe but not its smell, but that is an altogether different issue. Being at the receiving end of a shoe is not justice, poetic or otherwise by any stretch of imagination.
    
4. Indian sportsperson association has created a special induction programs for all players who play for the country to develop very thick skins. They are being advised to build a 15 feet high walls around their houses to protect themselves against abuses, agitations and other cases of poster burning in case they lose a match, and particularly against one specific country.
    
5. Last but not the least, Indian National Maid Association has asked its members to report all cases of mental harassment. The number of cases of work overload, mental torment, threat of violence against maids by very lazy, feudal home owners are on a rise. They have recommended that repeat offenders will be boycotted and in extreme cases the whole housing society will be avoided. There is frenzy and panic in most households that this threat might indeed be executed. Maids in Manhattan or Mumbai are equally revered – and it has been proved beyond doubt that households can function without everyone else but not without maids.
    

Humour – all around us!!